I just wanted to say congratulations to everyone that's coming out today! I came out 17 years ago, and I can't say that things have been easy, but they have for sure been better! I love being able to wake up every morning and know that I can be myself and not have to worry about what others may think about my lifestyle. Enjoy your day!!.. Live YOUR life!!.. and have a lot of fun.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y80RJPlcDFE
Much love!
Monday 11 October 2010
Sunday 10 October 2010
The year has started.
Hello everyone (all 5 of you), another school year has started for me and I couldn't be happier with the classes I have to teach. I have two classes from last year and two new classes of 5 year olds. There have been many changes at the school but I think they'll all work out for the best! I received an email from my bassoon teacher last week, but this I'm not so sure about. He's very young and had we met 6 years ago we'd be playing at the same level. It is nice to have goals to meet every week but as far as a teacher... he's not that great. He spends a lot of time talking about himself/personal life, and when it comes to music, he's only taught me one thing in the 3 months that we've been having lessons. I'd like to study with his teacher at the Royal Conservatory of Music here in Madrid, but how do I ask? I talked to some people this summer at AKM (alpenkammermusik.com) about this and had some good ideas thrown at me, but I think I'm to nice/shy/I don't know what... to even bring it up with him. As far as learning goes, I'm getting nothing. I haven't responded to his email yet because I need to figure out what I'm going to do. I looked for so long last year to find a teacher here in Madrid and never could find anything, this guy was the ONLY person that I even found that played bassoon. It seems that most of the teachers in Madrid won't even let the schools give out their information to prospective students. Things are sooooo different here. I know that I need lessons (that's for sure) to get back into shape, I just don't know where to find a "good" teacher! We won't even talk about reeds... *sigh*.....
Wednesday 6 October 2010
It Gets Better!
I'll start off by saying that High School was by far the worst time of my life! I didn't "know" that I was gay until my senior year but everyone else seemed to know way before I did.
When I was a junior I started getting bullied every single day. It all started with six guys in my math class that I was taking with some friends of mine from marching band. I would walk into class and within seconds hear "look.. the fag just walked in".. or "the drag queens here today" ... or "hey fag, you.. I know you hear me..." to which I ignored and walked to my seat. They would ram into me as I walked in, and throughout class I'd have paper, pencils, and even gum thrown at me. All of which I just ignored and tried to do my work. These types of things would go on the entire year! It was like I was being punished for something that at the time I was trying to fight. (my being gay) I had girlfriends, but that didn't seem to stop them. After a few months of this I was reaching a breaking point mentally. Getting ready for school I'd be crying my eyes out because I didn't want to go to school. I was literally going crazy with rage and hate for these guys and myself. I tried my hardest to ignore them, but nothing ever seemed to work. I couldn't get them to stop. One day I reached such a low point that while in class listening to them, I was about to have a complete breakdown. I asked the teacher if I could leave class and go talk to the "counselor" at the school. As I'm waiting for him to finish with another student I could feel myself breaking... I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. When he finally asked me into his office, before I could even sit down I lost it. I was out of control.. I couldn't stop crying.. all I wanted was help! I honestly thought that he would help, but instead, like everyone else in my High School there was never any help. Just an "I'll look into it", that always resulted in nothing being done. I had to deal with this on my own for the rest of the year.
After having a bad junior year I thought that my senior year would be much better since everyone would be leaving soon and trying to mend friendships and getting ready for the next step in their lives. Boy was I wrong.
Early in my senior year I broke up with my girlfriend and decided that the feelings of being gay were feelings that I just couldn't ignore any longer. I tried to push them away and they would only grow stronger. It was my senior year that would prove to the be hardest year of my life. I was dealing with so many things and on top of all the emotional problems of me being gay, I had to deal with the bullying. In November of that year I started dating my first boyfriend. This was something that I had never thought possible. I had never even held a guys hand before much less kissed one. This was all new to me and very very confusing.
In my junior year it was math class. In my senior year it was marine biology. There were two guys that every single day would talk to me about how they're going to "jump my faggot ass after school and beat the shit out of me".. I heard these words every day. They would give me evil looks, and taunt me constantly. One of the guys was my ex-girlfriends new boyfriend, so that didn't help the situation. He would call me a faggot in one sentence and in the next say how I would never get her back (the ex). So as you can see, he was just wanting to be mad about something or at least have a reason to threaten me. This went on for a very long time. It was driving me down this very dark road. I was taking a knife to school every single day, and even having thoughts about suicide. You see.. it wasn't JUST the bullying that I was having such a problem with. It was the fact that it didn't matter who I told at the school about the problem, none of the faculty would do anything about it. It was as if they wanted me to be bullied, taunted, and come to school every day scared to death. Some faculty were even pulling my friends out of class to ask them if I were gay!
On top of the bad experiences I was having at school I was also dealing with some problems with my new found gayness. You see, my first boyfriend ended up being the worst thing that could have happened to me. He was very abusive. He would tell me that I was ugly, fat, and that if I ever broke up with him there was no man that would ever want to date me. He was physically abusive, raped me approx. 20 times, and took advantage of me anyway he could. I became anorexic, only eating reduced fat wheat thins that he bought for me. Some of my friends at school would see the bruises and I would them they were hickies. This relationship lasted about 6 months, and would ultimately cause me to be outed to my family. Back in school things were the same with my bullies. I was reaching that low point where I was trying to think of ways to make it all stop. I thought about actually using the knife. I thought about ending my life to make everything just go away. I finally went to one of the counselors at the school again. This time things would end up even worse than the last. I went into his office and told him about one of the guys that were giving me such a hard time. He had ME go and pull the guy out of class and bring him to the office. On my way to get him I couldn't stop thinking about what this was going to cause. Would I be using my knife, would I be stabbing another student, or would I just run off and end it all. These things were flashing through my mind as I walked in and informed the teacher that he would need to be coming with me.
As we're walking down the hall he's telling me that he can't believe I would do this and that this means I'd be getting the "shit beat out of me". We walked into the office and the counselor asks what the problem is, first turing to me. As I explain that I have no problems with this guy, and that he seems to constantly have a problem with me and that I've never done anything to him. I told him how he and his friend threaten me every day, and how I come to school every day scared to death. I also said that for some reason he thinks I want my ex-girfriend back, and I don't! Then it's his turn. He talks about how my ex and I broke up and how I've always wanted her back blah blah blah.. (not true) and then he says something that made me turn snow white. He told the counselor that I'm a "fucking faggot" and that I have and "older" boyfriend, that everyone knows about it. You could see the shock on my face as the counselor turns to me and asks "well... is it true? Are you a faggot?" Here is the one person that could have made all of this better, and he's only making things worse. I couldn't believe that I had trusted this man to help me and then he turns and asks me this question. He turned to the bully and tells him that he can go back to class. Then turns back to me. "boy, I asked you a question. Are you a faggot, are you gay? I need to know the truth" I told him no... and walked out thinking my life was over...
It took a lot of time but my dark feelings actually went away and started getting better and for some reason the bullying seemed to ease off a bit. The end of the year was getting ever so close and I ended my relationship with the abusive ex-boyfriend. My world started to look a little better. By the time the school year ended I was feeling much better and taking more control of my life. I was out to my family and friends, and moving on with my life. Things were/are never easy, but over time they get easier and easier. I learned how to deal with the negative comments, and see my life in a brighter light.
My advise to anyone going through what I've had to go through is this. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and say to yourself, "I am strong, I am who I am, and I am beautiful" Love yourself even when you think no one else does. Turn to those that love you for help. Always know that there are people who have been through the same things you're going through, and all of them will tell you that IT GETS BETTER!
Trust me, I would know.
Much love and many kisses!
When I was a junior I started getting bullied every single day. It all started with six guys in my math class that I was taking with some friends of mine from marching band. I would walk into class and within seconds hear "look.. the fag just walked in".. or "the drag queens here today" ... or "hey fag, you.. I know you hear me..." to which I ignored and walked to my seat. They would ram into me as I walked in, and throughout class I'd have paper, pencils, and even gum thrown at me. All of which I just ignored and tried to do my work. These types of things would go on the entire year! It was like I was being punished for something that at the time I was trying to fight. (my being gay) I had girlfriends, but that didn't seem to stop them. After a few months of this I was reaching a breaking point mentally. Getting ready for school I'd be crying my eyes out because I didn't want to go to school. I was literally going crazy with rage and hate for these guys and myself. I tried my hardest to ignore them, but nothing ever seemed to work. I couldn't get them to stop. One day I reached such a low point that while in class listening to them, I was about to have a complete breakdown. I asked the teacher if I could leave class and go talk to the "counselor" at the school. As I'm waiting for him to finish with another student I could feel myself breaking... I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. When he finally asked me into his office, before I could even sit down I lost it. I was out of control.. I couldn't stop crying.. all I wanted was help! I honestly thought that he would help, but instead, like everyone else in my High School there was never any help. Just an "I'll look into it", that always resulted in nothing being done. I had to deal with this on my own for the rest of the year.
After having a bad junior year I thought that my senior year would be much better since everyone would be leaving soon and trying to mend friendships and getting ready for the next step in their lives. Boy was I wrong.
Early in my senior year I broke up with my girlfriend and decided that the feelings of being gay were feelings that I just couldn't ignore any longer. I tried to push them away and they would only grow stronger. It was my senior year that would prove to the be hardest year of my life. I was dealing with so many things and on top of all the emotional problems of me being gay, I had to deal with the bullying. In November of that year I started dating my first boyfriend. This was something that I had never thought possible. I had never even held a guys hand before much less kissed one. This was all new to me and very very confusing.
In my junior year it was math class. In my senior year it was marine biology. There were two guys that every single day would talk to me about how they're going to "jump my faggot ass after school and beat the shit out of me".. I heard these words every day. They would give me evil looks, and taunt me constantly. One of the guys was my ex-girlfriends new boyfriend, so that didn't help the situation. He would call me a faggot in one sentence and in the next say how I would never get her back (the ex). So as you can see, he was just wanting to be mad about something or at least have a reason to threaten me. This went on for a very long time. It was driving me down this very dark road. I was taking a knife to school every single day, and even having thoughts about suicide. You see.. it wasn't JUST the bullying that I was having such a problem with. It was the fact that it didn't matter who I told at the school about the problem, none of the faculty would do anything about it. It was as if they wanted me to be bullied, taunted, and come to school every day scared to death. Some faculty were even pulling my friends out of class to ask them if I were gay!
On top of the bad experiences I was having at school I was also dealing with some problems with my new found gayness. You see, my first boyfriend ended up being the worst thing that could have happened to me. He was very abusive. He would tell me that I was ugly, fat, and that if I ever broke up with him there was no man that would ever want to date me. He was physically abusive, raped me approx. 20 times, and took advantage of me anyway he could. I became anorexic, only eating reduced fat wheat thins that he bought for me. Some of my friends at school would see the bruises and I would them they were hickies. This relationship lasted about 6 months, and would ultimately cause me to be outed to my family. Back in school things were the same with my bullies. I was reaching that low point where I was trying to think of ways to make it all stop. I thought about actually using the knife. I thought about ending my life to make everything just go away. I finally went to one of the counselors at the school again. This time things would end up even worse than the last. I went into his office and told him about one of the guys that were giving me such a hard time. He had ME go and pull the guy out of class and bring him to the office. On my way to get him I couldn't stop thinking about what this was going to cause. Would I be using my knife, would I be stabbing another student, or would I just run off and end it all. These things were flashing through my mind as I walked in and informed the teacher that he would need to be coming with me.
As we're walking down the hall he's telling me that he can't believe I would do this and that this means I'd be getting the "shit beat out of me". We walked into the office and the counselor asks what the problem is, first turing to me. As I explain that I have no problems with this guy, and that he seems to constantly have a problem with me and that I've never done anything to him. I told him how he and his friend threaten me every day, and how I come to school every day scared to death. I also said that for some reason he thinks I want my ex-girfriend back, and I don't! Then it's his turn. He talks about how my ex and I broke up and how I've always wanted her back blah blah blah.. (not true) and then he says something that made me turn snow white. He told the counselor that I'm a "fucking faggot" and that I have and "older" boyfriend, that everyone knows about it. You could see the shock on my face as the counselor turns to me and asks "well... is it true? Are you a faggot?" Here is the one person that could have made all of this better, and he's only making things worse. I couldn't believe that I had trusted this man to help me and then he turns and asks me this question. He turned to the bully and tells him that he can go back to class. Then turns back to me. "boy, I asked you a question. Are you a faggot, are you gay? I need to know the truth" I told him no... and walked out thinking my life was over...
It took a lot of time but my dark feelings actually went away and started getting better and for some reason the bullying seemed to ease off a bit. The end of the year was getting ever so close and I ended my relationship with the abusive ex-boyfriend. My world started to look a little better. By the time the school year ended I was feeling much better and taking more control of my life. I was out to my family and friends, and moving on with my life. Things were/are never easy, but over time they get easier and easier. I learned how to deal with the negative comments, and see my life in a brighter light.
My advise to anyone going through what I've had to go through is this. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and say to yourself, "I am strong, I am who I am, and I am beautiful" Love yourself even when you think no one else does. Turn to those that love you for help. Always know that there are people who have been through the same things you're going through, and all of them will tell you that IT GETS BETTER!
Trust me, I would know.
Much love and many kisses!
Saturday 2 October 2010
I'm Back!.. :)
Hi, well.. it's me again... I've been away for a while now due to traveling and vacations. I along with Christophe and some of his family went to Austria for a chamber music festival where I performed with some amazing people. We had such a great time! I made some wonderful friends and can't wait to go back next year!
After the festival we went to the U.S. (North Carolina) for my brothers wedding. It was a great week at home, seeing family and watching my little brother get married :) . They wouldn't let me be the flower girl, but other than that everything went along very nicely. After about a week and a half in NC we took our travels to Salt Lake City UT where we lived prior to moving to Madrid. It was nice being able to catch up with old friends and new. We had a cookout at the house and had a great time sitting around the small fire pit talking and eating some amazing burgers! (thanks honey) All of this is why I haven't been able to post anything lately :(
In the coming week I'll be doing another post reflecting my experiences in school growing up gay. That was such a difficult time in my life, and I'd like to share my "story" This will be in response to Dan Savage's "It Gets Better" project on youtube. I'll also be making a video to post on youtube encouraging young LGBT youth to keep their head up in a tough world, that it will only get better for them. There are many young people out there that are committing suicide every year because they have no one to talk to, or turn to. There is hope, and it will only get better!
Much love, and many kisses..
~michael~
After the festival we went to the U.S. (North Carolina) for my brothers wedding. It was a great week at home, seeing family and watching my little brother get married :) . They wouldn't let me be the flower girl, but other than that everything went along very nicely. After about a week and a half in NC we took our travels to Salt Lake City UT where we lived prior to moving to Madrid. It was nice being able to catch up with old friends and new. We had a cookout at the house and had a great time sitting around the small fire pit talking and eating some amazing burgers! (thanks honey) All of this is why I haven't been able to post anything lately :(
In the coming week I'll be doing another post reflecting my experiences in school growing up gay. That was such a difficult time in my life, and I'd like to share my "story" This will be in response to Dan Savage's "It Gets Better" project on youtube. I'll also be making a video to post on youtube encouraging young LGBT youth to keep their head up in a tough world, that it will only get better for them. There are many young people out there that are committing suicide every year because they have no one to talk to, or turn to. There is hope, and it will only get better!
Much love, and many kisses..
~michael~
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